What's the Hardest Thing You've Ever Gone Through?

There are a lot of things in life that are hard. Everyone goes through something difficult at some point. My sister is 17 years old and when I asked her “what is the hardest thing you’ve ever gone through” she had to think for a while before answering “Mmmm probably when I hit my head on the slide in kindergarten and had to get stitches” I laughed a little, partly because I remember that day as if it were yesterday. She then (half-jokingly) asked me “What about you? What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever gone through? Or would it be quicker for you to tell me the easy things that life is given you?” I laughed again but there was some merit in her questioning. Our family always jokes about how I most definitely took advantage of our insurance (aka Thank God we have insurance you expensive child!) or how I called call my mom upwards of 3 times a day crying about something or other – to state it simply, it was no secret in our family that life was a bit rough.

In thinking about my sister’s question, I had a “That’s So Raven” type flashback – well I mean she sees the future but you all know the move. Anyways, I thought back on the past 20 years. I felt like I remember the majority of it – near every detail, the clothes in my closet, the meal I ate that day, the names of the doctors or professionals involved, it was all so clear. I felt like I couldn’t choose just one. There was so much that had happened in life. So many people I had met, places I had been, memories made, scars formed, pain felt, smiles constructed – sometimes falsely painted across the face, other times came about in the sincerest of forms. Regardless, there was so much that was just flooding my mind. You know when you’re reviewing for a test or quiz and you go through the study guide and finally finish one chapter and feel great then realize you have 4 more chapters to review and then start thinking about the other 4 classes you have homework for, and sports practice, and have to eat, and sleep, and have a social life, and you still want to watch the newest season of Stranger Things so basically you just resort to watching Stranger Things in your bed while eating popcorn just so that you delay your 12th mental breakdown this week – yah, me too. I realized that in order to answer my sister’s question I should probably break down my life a little bit (as opposed to having a mental breakdown).

In an effort to break things down, I write. I’ve been writing a bunch the last few years. I always loved to journal and always loved throwing my thoughts down onto a clean, white, lined page. It was even better looking back at them, no matter how weird they were and how complicated, deformed, disconnected, and random they may be. Sometimes I would look back and laugh. Laugh at moments and the complete and utter bullshit surrounding them. Other times I would cry, remembering emotions and feelings (mainly suppressed). Regardless, it was incredibly soothing. Despite that flashback full of memories and seemingly chock-full of every single detail, these words reminded me that I had missed so much. The “so much” that I had missed had been quite the mix. Some of it were the positive, funny moments that for some reason got pushed back into the “Irrelevant Information” portion of my brain. Some of it was crap that I most definitely had suppressed… and for good reason. But with all those memories brought up again, I realized that I couldn’t answer my sister’s question of, “What is the hardest thing you’ve gone through” without acknowledging everything that I have learned… or at least how I’ve grown through everything that I’ve gone through.

For example, yes, having an eating disorder was incredibly hard… awful even. Through treatment though, I learned so much about myself and met so many amazing people. I just got back from Oregon where I visited one of my super close friends from treatment. I met amazingly strong women, learned how to have empathy, authentically love myself and other, and now have been able to talk to friends that are also struggling. It was hard… no doubt, but I can’t imagine where I’d be without all that stuff. I don’t mean this to sound like blind optimism. Trust me, it’s taken a while to get 2to the point of “finding the positive” People used to tell me, “Well at least *fill in something positive here*” I would get so angry. How dare they make light of my situation!! Now, being a few years removed, I recognize that that was their way of trying to help, albeit a crappy one, but they were trying. Finding the positive in all of that crap now, while simultaneously acknowledging that it was crappy, has afforded me so much freedom. I’m no longer angry which frees up so much headspace. I am able to recognize that my life now and who I am now, would be COMPLETELY different, and would I like that different? Who would I be? Would that crap have been inevitable and I’d be going through it now? I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, I think that’s naive and a way to “fake comfort” people when you really just lack empathy. But I do believe that there are certain things, hard things, that happen in life, that make NO sense but come around and add so much more to life.

So the question, “What is the hardest thing you’ve ever gone through” I don’t know if I can rank them… I don’t think that I should rank them (I don’t think that I can rank them). It’s important to remember that the most difficult thing can range from person to person , so if you ask someone that question and they answer (which is brave!), respect that vulnerability. The hardest things that people have gone through have made them who they are today. The hardest experiences people have lived are key to their story. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to hear so many people’s stories - the good and the bad. I think that learning about people’s hardships and pain is the best way to understand why they view the world a certain way, why they like certain things, why they hate other things, why certain places hold a special place in their heart, why other places ignite fear and pain. If you are fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of someone’s narrative, don’t just listen to respond, listen to actually listen. Listen to learn who they are. Listen to receive.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their story, no matter how big or how small the part may have been. I hope that those who listen will listen to receive and respect. I hope that when you listen, you do the same.