What a... DECADE!
- shaecaragher
- Dec 31, 2019
- 9 min read
As we come to the close of not only the year, but also the decade, I think it rather important that I join all fellow bloggers (and humans) in recapping these past 10 years.
2010 - Present: What an adventure those years have been. Well, that’s one way to put it. I’ve tried to dissect these past years and put my reflections, reminiscence, memories, stories, and moments into digestible chunks for you and me. So where to start? Where do you even begin to start in thinking about 10 years of life? Perhaps I can start with the biggest notion racing through my mind, that is A LOT can happen in 10 years. A decade is a long, long time. Time flies, sure, but there’s been so much life in this decade that I’ve realized a lot can happen in 10 years.
Way back when, at the start of 2010, I was (almost 11) years old and half way through my 5th grade year. California Gurls by Katy Perry, Like a G6 by Far East Movement (who?), and Bottoms Up by Trey Songz came out and became my jams. I learned the lyrics to both California Gurls and Like a G6 rather quickly, but it wasn’t until my stint in treatment that I finally learned all the lyrics to Bottoms Up, and more impressively, gained the greatly coveted skill of knowing the Nicki Minaj rap (it took me 5 straight hours to learn). That’s beside the point though. It’s a bit weird to remember my 11 year old self. There are things that stand out that I wish didn’t and random bits of information that I have no business remembering and other parts that I’ve forgotten that wish I could remember (yes, I remember that I forgot them, don’t ask me how).
I “graduated” from 5th grade and made the big step to hell middle school. 6th grade Shae was a character. She didn’t have braces yet, rather some funky shaped teeth, not a zit on her face (ah! I miss that!), and didn’t quite understand how to dress herself properly. I had this massive knot in the back of my hair… massive as in it took the hair dresser ~3 hours to get it out. So I wore my hair up in a bun on the top of my head every. single. day. I put a bow through the front and looked like a damn Flinstone… attractive! Middle school was an interesting era. I’d been boy crazy since Kindergarten when I had the biggest crush on Jack Wilson. Nothing changed in middle school, except I rotated crushing on boys that I never had a chance with and never learned to accept just that - I didn’t have a chance! Middle school dances were rough with a capital ROUGH! I mean look at that photo YIKES —>
Let’s see, what else happened in middle school? Honestly, I’m not surprised that I don’t remember much, and I’m kind of glad. I tried to block out a chunk of those years as they were supposed to be formative, but were instead traumatic. Which I guess, is in a way formative. Oh, well I got braces. Mid-way through my 7th grade year I started on my 3 year long journey of braces and fixing the hilariousness that was my teeth. Braces were NOT a look for me. I mean, they’re not really a “look” for anyone, but somehow they really did a great job of highlighting that intensely awkward phase I was in.
Now let me paint you a quick picture. When I say I was in an awkward phase, I mean that literally. Like I said, my hairstyle made me look like a long lost member of the Flinstone’s live action cast, and my outfits consisted of knee length ORANGE AND PINK PLAID SHORTS and some form of GRAPHIC TEE! I blame my mother… But in all seriousness, it was actually ridiculous, embarrassing, and those horrid outfit choices were compounded with braces and a wonderful outbreak of acne. Also, not to mention, one day in 7th grade two large cantaloupes decided to make an appearance on my chest, which in and of themselves greatly contributed to a following near-decade of trauma. Needless to say, puberty hit me like a train. Somedays I wish I had been hit by a train. Like the day I got my first period in church and the BOY behind me so kindly and gently informed there was “something on my pants” Thank you, Jason. Forever appreciate that notice.
I finally started 8th grade. I felt like I was on top of the world - one more year and then I’d be out of the hell hole that was middle school! But not before life decided to screw me one last time. My dad, a teacher at my school, always got to school at the crack of dawn, so, I often went with him. I’d go to the library and read or play computer games and check my email (weirdo, right?) One morning in September, I got an email from an anonymous account (note: they couldn’t spell anonymous… cue: “anon omys”???) explicitly highlighting those 2 cantaloupes I’d told you about earlier. I’ll spare you the details but I got a series of 3 sexually explicit emails, one specifically detailing how they’d “screw me even if I didn’t want it” Wonderful! So healthy for my 13 year old mind to see. The rest of the year was a mess, to put it simply. I had no friends, except for Nicole who loved me no matter what, and for the first time ever, hated myself. You see, I’d never liked myself, but I’d never been so disgusted by myself and my body. You know when you see something gross and you get nauseous, that’s how I felt everyday. It hasn’t really gone away since. SO, I guess you could say middle school was transformative… in a way. It sparked my first ever experiences with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, disordered eating, suicidal thoughts, and self-loathing. It made me cynical, much of which I haven’t let go of. It made me angry, something I only recently let go of. Definitely the transformative years I was looking for (note the sarcasm)
Ok, ok, this is all such a downer. Well, I can’t put a positive spin on those situations, because they were pretty sucky. I went into high school depressed. As we all know, I developed a full-fledged eating disorder summer before my junior year and then I studied abroad in France - further exacerbating the eating disorder. I am still shocked I made it through that with as minimal complications as I have. I mean that I did to/put in my body is even now, unimaginable to me. Then I came home, spent a chunk of months in treatment, and then senior year came… WOW what a time! It really flies…
But what was happening in between all of that? These years, while difficult, were also extremely transformative in a GOOD way. I mean it can’t be ALL bad, right? Freshmen year, I got the phenomenal opportunity to go to Cuba with our school’s Global Initiatives Program. That summer I went to Nicaragua to work with a program called Outreach 360. I was absolutely blessed with travel opportunities throughout my high school career (and beyond). Those have been some of the most eye-opening experiences and in the most positive way. I then went to Nicaragua for a second time and New Zealand with my family. While I may not have had many friends in high school, the connections I was able to gain with the world were absolutely incredible and such a blessing. I did make some friends though… mainly with my teachers! They were blessings and without them I would not have survived high school - plain and simple. And while I was sick (mentally and later, physically) for 100% of my program in France, I made life long friends there (2 of which I’m going to see in France in March and 2 of which I went to see in New York last March - shout to Ivy, Quincy, Hannah, and Mckayla).
Senior year was a rough one in and of itself. It was weird coming back early from my program as that “skinny girl” Some gave me praise, some expressed concern. Then I came back senior year with a couple pounds on me and there were even more comments… most unsolicited. But I had a few great friends senior year (Nico, Jessica, Ethan, Alec, Sarah, Ali, Daria, Anna, Annelie, Haley and a bunch in between). I went back to Young Life, started a club about mental health, and began applying to colleges. Things were going well for a while, until the repeat of 8th grade happened except this time in the form of physical violation. There was a shame I’d never previously understood that came with sexual assault, at least that’s what I felt so deeply. It didn’t do wonders for my recovery or my body image or my depression or my anxiety. But my therapist, dietitian, recovery team, parents, family, and friends wouldn’t let anorexia become an option to cope with difficult things, so I coped with it in other ways. Cue: poetry, writing, blogging, and yoga. It didn’t cure me, but those things became deeply rooted in my identity. Then, as we know, I FINALLY decided where to go to college (a few hours before the deadline) and prepped for life in sunny Santa Barbara - truly a fresh start.
This is all pretty negative, I’m sorry about that. So let me get
into the purpose of this picture painting. This decade was hard -
I can’t (and won’t) sugar coat it. It was full of ups and downs… a lot of downs. But, in all that, I wouldn’t change a thing. Seriously, not a thing. There is nothing I would re-do, no situation I would ask to be erased, no conversation to un-have, and no memory to wiped out of my hippocampus. I’ve told people this before and their response is always, “Seriously? Nothing?” To which I think over it and always say, “No, nothing.” And here’s why. If I were to change something that has happened to me, it would unravel, uproot, and change my current situation. Everything that has happened in my life, not to me (as I don’t believe I am a victim), but in my life, has lead to something or someone that I now hold so near to my heart.
For example, my eating disorder - perhaps the worst time of my life. I was suffering physically, mentally, and emotionally. My body was in pain and I did things to it/put things in it that were painful, harmful, and damaging. BUT from all of that, I went to treatment and met some phenomenal women who are still so important to me. I learned about authentic empathy and how to listen and care for others with intentionality and deeper than just a superficial compassion. I was able to give insight to friends that were/are struggling and walk with them through their own recovery. Also, I chose Westmont in part because it was a smaller school, and coming out of treatment I felt that a closer-knit environment would be more conducive to my healing than a UC. And while Westmont isn’t perfect, I can’t imagine my life if I had not gone to Westmont. Just knowing that I wouldn’t know the people that I know now if I hadn’t gone to Westmont hurts my heart a little bit. I mean the people that have become so important to me - whether that be my friends, roommates, professors, RDs, my church, random people in coffee shops etc. - they all hold such a beautiful part of my heart that is one of the most important things in my life.
So, in conclusion (after this round about way of saying, “I’m thankful”), this decade was a crazy one. It felt like forever ago, yet simultaneously just yesterday that I was starting middle school or graduating middle school or moving to France or entering treatment or leaving treatment or graduating college or being diagnosed with celiac or slicing my finger open and in turn changing my major 1,000 times or turning in my degree application and everything in between. WOW, you guys, I am so blessed! I think THAT is the biggest thing I’ve learned from this decade. Do you know how many second chances I got? I mean literally I survived a suicide attempt! Do you know how lucky I am to have the family that I have and the support system of friends that I had/have? The opportunities to travel, experience the world, meet new people, learn in unconventional ways, recover from an eating disorder (only 50% of people recover from eating disorders fully!!!), have the friends that I have, the experiences I’ve had, the memories I’ve made, and the things I’ve overcome - those are all such gifts that I never fully recognized as gifts.
So, I will leave you all with this. I have 4 main fears, one of the biggest being mediocrity. One of my most deep seated fears is that I will die living a life of mediocrity and never do something “phenomenal” But this period of reflection has made me realize, my life has already been such a crazy adventure and just in this decade. Do you know how much STUFF has happened in this decade? It’s whack and amazing and phenomenal and maybe not mediocre? Life is still hard and will be hard, but that’s because it’s life. But this decade has been transformative and has equipped with knowledge, growth, memories, and experiences to continue on this crazy thing called life.
I thank you all SO much for reading and experiencing life with me. I thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. Writing brings an insurmountable amount of joy into my life and for you all to be with me through this adventure adds so much to that joy. I can’t wait to see what this next decade brings. I’ll be graduating college, turning 21 and then 30 (yes, I jumped a few years!), getting a job (hopefully!), getting married (maybe… hopefully!?), oh my gosh… I might have children - YIKES! WHO KNOWS! I so appreciate anyone who took the time to read this post. It truly means a lot. I hope you enjoyed the montage of photos from my bad days (and good!) Here’s to a new year, a new decade, new memories, and new experiences!
Thank you and goodnight,
Shae
Shae, you nailed it. Life is difficult, as you well chronicled, but you are relentless, resilient and growing in beautiful ways. Love, Dad and Mom