The Stages of Grief

According to the dominant discourse (Kübler-Russ model), there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. While that has been the accepted model for some time, I must argue, from my experiences and observing others’ experiences, that there is an important 6th stage: remembrance. Perhaps this wouldn’t be included in the stages of grief; or perhaps it could be included as a co-stage 5 (with acceptance), regardless it is something important that is rarely ever talked about.

The Kübler-Ross model was originally introduced in 1969 and associated with terminally ill patients. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, noticed that in medical school instruction there was not much information regarding death and dying. Through research and interviews, she created this model. Which is roughly outlined here:

Denial - Refusal to accept or acknowledge bad news. Some researchers describe this as not living in “actual reality” rather in a “preferable reality”

Anger - Reaction when moving from the preferable reality to actual reality. Anger can come in multiple different forms: “This isn’t fair!” or “Why me?” or even faith related and questioning belief in God. While this stage is incredibly difficult, research has shown the importance and relevance of the stage (as it acknowledges actual reality)

Bargaining - This involves making deals and “what if” statements. God if you do ____________ then I’ll do ____________, is a common statement and reaction. Along the lines of “what if” statements, people try to determine what they could have done to prevent the bad outcome. “What if I didn’t let him go to his friend’s house? Then he wouldn’t have been driving.” “What if I made him see a specialist, then he would’ve known about the illness earlier”

Depression - When all the denial, anger, and bargaining are over, one can feel completely helpless and hopeless. In loss, we realize the person is gone. We will never hear their voice or laugh again. We will never hold their hand or see their face. That realization is overwhelming and can lead to this “what’s the point?” depression.

Acceptance - I think a lot of people confuse the idea of acceptance. I believe that acceptance comes when you know that, despite the situation, you will be okay; not that the situation in and of itself is ok. Acceptance takes a while. It doesn’t just come and everything isn’t suddenly fine. It’s a process.

Ok why am I talking about the stages of grief? And why am I, a 20 year old who has only taken a 1 semester General Psychology class, trying to add another stage to a 50 year old idea? I’ve experienced grief in my life. I’ve seen people in my life experience grief. I’ve seen grief happen in the world. For most of my personal experiences with grief, I’ve followed pretty closely to the 5 stages. With my eating disorder and grieving its loss I denied the pain it was causing me and the need for treatment. I was angry that I had to now learn to live life without this eating disorder, even though it was better for me. In treatment, I bargained with the staff and therapists, “Ok if I eat this then I don’t have to eat this” As time went on, I was depressed because my body was changing and the eating disorder, which had planted itself deep into my mind didn’t like that. I was losing my “best friend” albeit a very toxic “friendship” Later though, I accepted the changes that were happening. The situation was still hard, the changes were painful, I was still scared, but I came to know that I was going to be ok. Through all of this I would be alright. While this might be a bit of an unorthodox example, it was one of the biggest ways I experienced grief. When my friend passed a few years back, I could easily pinpoint the stages of grief. They came and went as if it was a pre-programmed code to run in my body. But through all of these stages of grief and my friend’s who have lost family members, whose parents have been diagnosed with cancer, who have seen unimaginable pain, there is one “stage" that I think is so key: remembrance.

Remembrance, like I said earlier, could be apart of acceptance, or maybe it belongs in its own category… perhaps it’s up to us to decide. Regardless, I think it’s an important part of healing from loss and trauma. Remembrance, by definition (or at least one of its definitions), is “the action of remembering the dead, especially in a ceremony” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary) The synonyms listed include commemoration, memory, recognition, nostalgia, recollection, and reminiscence. Sometimes, when I’m driving down the freeway with the ocean glistening right next to me, I remember my friend who passed. She loved dolphins… I mean she was OBSESSED with them. The ocean sparks this memory and I feel sad, because I miss her. While I have already reached that stage of acceptance and know that I am now going to be ok in this situation, remembering her brings up lots of different emotions. Our car rides blasting old Kesha songs, driving up Angeles Crest and yelling out over the mountain, hiking to the Hollywood sign and realizing it was actually way bigger than we thought… she brought me so much joy. I still miss her dearly. I have gone through all the stages of grief; of missing her, of knowing I’ll never see her again, of being angry that she’s gone… questioning why she has to be gone. But I still remember. I accept and I remember.

Grief is a complicated thing. It’s this weird process and while these stages are a nice layout, a lot of times grief doesn’t pan out exactly in that order. I used to force myself into following the stages of grief; allotting time for each stage, then forcing myself to move on after time was “up” But the body doesn’t work like that. The mind doesn’t heal on a schedule. The heart doesn’t mend based on an alarm clock. Grief doesn’t just end one day. That’s why I think it is important to acknowledge that those memories, or the “remembrance” isn’t necessarily a bad thing - it's part of the process and the healing. My mom lost her mom 5 years ago and she still misses her mom. She lost her dad before I was even born and also misses him dearly. There are still moments where she sees a photo or another reminder and remarks, “I miss my mommy” It makes sense to remember as a part of grief. As the final “stage” we recognize the importance that this person/moment had in our life and in remembering we simultaneously don’t ever forget, which is the biggest form of celebration and acknowledgment.

Sources:

https://www.psycom.net/depression.

central.grief.html

https://www.ekrfoundation.org

On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross