A New Decade (!!!)

Today I turned 20! Ahhhh!

I now have two decades of experience to share. Well, I can’t remember three of those years and I suppressed the memories of five of those years. So, I don’t know if it is really a full two decades of experiences, rather I think we come to a total of 12 years?

I rang in the big 2-0 by having a panic attack and promptly calling my best friend, Micah, who calmed me down by sending me funny videos of people getting in fights and him and his roommate, Hayden, being well… Micah and Hayden. We love a little anxiety but we also love a good friend who can calm you the HECK down! Blessed!

But in all seriousness, I am 20! Wow! *insert existential crisis here* As many of you know, I am a very deep thinker. I reflect, analyze, and ruminate on every situation, scenario, and experience. So turning 20 for me, isn’t just another birthday. It holds so much more power and meaning than just a number. It’s this new era… you know everyone talks about their 20s. My parents didn’t get married until they were in their 30s and my mom reminisces on times with her friends traveling through Europe, backpacking through the US, laughing with friends at happy hour, and bumming it at Seal Beach soaking up the sun (she would like me to make it clear that she was only able to “bum it” because she worked very hard and saved her money… thank you, Lisa!) My dad… well Rick is Rick but I’m sure he had his fun - probably involved history or coaching but he was free to travel and adventure and that he did! He worked in a covert church camp in Romania, played with Athletes in Action and therefore traveled around the world, and then of course, spent his Friday nights grading students’ research papers. I feel like your 20s are given this weight as a “defining decade” I’ve been reading a lot of articles about “Turning 20” or “How to Spend Your 20s” and all of them have the same ideas:

1) Finally accept and love yourself first

2) Take risks

3) Try new things (ie. travel, go on that date, take a cooking class etc.)

4) Find what you love

Ok, I feel like that’s what my therapist says to me every session so either I am paying her way too much, or Forbes, Buzzfeed, Cosmo and all those other magazines really need to step up a bit and do some digging. These all sound great and wonderful but I feel like confining that all to your 20s (aka only 10 years!) is kind of a high demand, not to mention all of the other societal expectations such as finding a job, being financially stable, getting married, settling down, popping out kids in .5 seconds as if the pill wasn’t invented over 50 years ago… you know, all the normal stuff! In all seriousness however, I feel like there is so much pressure on what your 20s are supposed to be. When you turn 20 it’s like, alright, you’re an adult now… good luck!

But like, there’s still 5 years until the pre-frontal cortex develops, hormones are running rampant, and you’re now at this weird age where some of your friends are getting married, others have toddlers, and others still have to ask their parents if they can go out. I feel like there is this subtle, unspoken “right” way to go about your 20s and honestly, most of it doesn’t sound that fun. Also, I feel like I am caught between two worlds with two completely different definitions of “your 20s” and I am ultra confused.

At my conservative Christian college, many people get married as young as possible aka Ring by Spring. They graduate college, get married, move into a cute-sy little pinterest decorated apartment, get some 9-5 job, then pop out a few kids and are grandmother’s by 40 (ok, a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point). Then I’ve got everything outside “the bubble” that kind of shouts “20s = FREEDOM!!!!!” aka LIVE. IT. UP! It’s a time to go out with your friends, meet cute boys or girls, travel, make stupid decisions, and pretty much just experience life. Obviously there is an in between somewhere, but I feel like these polarized ideas are pretty predominant in my life. I think my view of my 20s falls somewhere in between those two ideas. Marriage will be great, later on. I want to travel but I also want to work - but eventually I want travel to be my work. I also just want to enjoy my life, but figuring that out will be interesting.

Also, “your 20s” are a long, LONG time. I think about the last decade from age 10 to age 20 and wow have things changed. I was a freaking weirdo as a 10 year old. I loved to wear brightly colored plaid knee length shorts, striped shirts, and running shoes. I then put my hair up in a bun on top of my head and stuck a neon colored bow through the front like a goddamn Flinstone - sexy (; Fast forward to the teenage years and I most definitely would have won the award for “Bitchiest Child”… by a landslide. I was awful to my parents and as much as I would like to blame it on my pubescent hormones, they were not the only thing to blame. Over that decade, I also started high school, graduated high school, started college, studied abroad, dropped out of studying abroad, had an eating disorder, recovered (recovering) from an eating disorder, was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, and bipolar II, got my driver’s license, had my first kiss, had a lot more kisses, wrote a play, learned a language, had braces, got my braces off (thank GOD!), traveled to so many places, made new friends, lost old ones, got some jobs, laughed a lot, cried a lot, drove a lot, walked a lot, swam a lot, sang a lot, danced a lot… lived a lot. So freaking much can happen in ten years and so much can change over ten years. I am not the same person I was as a 10 year old and I know that I will not be the same person when I am 30.

Going back to my original thought, that “20” has a lot more meaning to me than just a number or an age or a birthday, it’s kind of this new period of life. I think that each “stage” of life holds some big milestones or changes. You know we’ve got puberty which is chalk full of hormones, hair growth in weird places, boobs (?), a period (yikes!), boys become cute just as you get braces and pimples make an appearance across your face… you all went through it! Then we’ve got high school which let me tell you is such a weird time. So much changes across the four years of high school - people start relationships, they break up, some people have sex, other people figure out their sexuality, there’s drinking, partying, drugs, people act stupid and make stupid choices, we’re all trying to figure this thing called “life” out.

So your 20s, well that’s a new period, but one that doesn’t really carry the same experiences for anyone. I know people getting married when they’re 23, which I honestly don’t get because you still have 3 more years on your parent’s health care plan and why would you give that UP!! But then I also know people who are 29 and still dating around and I think that both are fine. There’s a relaxing aspect in knowing that your 20s doesn’t hold this exact timeline and you can kind of “make it your own” I feel like I am at this huge version of Subway and I’m trying to create this perfect combination of things to make a perfect sandwich (yes, that is a metaphor for life). What I am getting at with my sandwich analogy is that there are so many options that it can become so overwhelming. You want to pick every option and do everything but a sandwich with italian, wheat, flatbread, and cheese bread, that is both toasted and un-toasted, full of tuna, turkey, roast beef, and ham, and then slathered with every sauce, mayo, mustard, and stuffed with veggies is not only unrealistic BUT would also low-key taste gross. I think I have really had to take a step back and recognize that I don’t have to do everything and more importantly, I don’t have to do everything right now. One of my favorite songs is Vienna by Billy Joel partly because just wow, but also those lyrics are such eye-openers. The song starts off, “Slow down, you crazy child/ You’re so ambitious for a juvenile…” and then continues later on with, “Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about?/ You’d better cool it off before you burn it out/You’ve got so much to do/ And only so many hours in a day” AND THEN… “Slow down, you’re doing fine/ You can’t be everything you want to be/ Before your time/… You’re so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need”

Ok Billy Joel, just work some magic right there!! I think know I am very much future oriented and sometimes I get so caught up in that. I don’t stop and recognize the moment that I am living in right now. I obsess over everything that I am not doing, and forget to focus on what I have done and am doing. I will be completely honest, I don’t put this into practice. I still obsess so much over the big “life questions” What am I going to do? Where am I going to live? Marriage? Taxes? Income? FINANCES! AHH! I also have a lot of aspirations that aren’t the easiest things to reach so I feel kind of stuck - then I hit this metaphorical era of “figure your stuff out” (aka your 20s) and I feel even more stuck. Then I think of good ol’ Billy Joel, my. freaking. MAN! “You can’t be everything you want before your time” always hits me right in the feels. There are so many things that I want to do and when I’m not doing them, I feel like a failure. But sometimes, it’s just not my time. I think a lot about timing of things and it usually works out (funny how God works). So while I may have this ideal map of how my 20s (and who are we kidding, my life) will pan out, I would so much rather have the timing work out the way God wants it. I’ve got a fire in me and as we all know, due to some physics or chemistry (science-y)? law, when you run while holding a flame or a gust of wind comes by, it’s going to blow out. So, I think that it’s more important for me to foster the flame instead of run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to figure out what I am supposed to do. Mr. Billy Joel, again so wisely says, “Only so many hours in a day” 24 of them to be exact, but life is precious and I don’t want to waste them away. I have been alive TWO DECADES (!!!!) - time absolutely flies! Each hour is precious and something to take advantage of.

It’s weird to be 20. But I think I’m ready for it. There wasn’t some magic nirvana moment that happened at midnight on March 17 that was like “YOU ARE ADULT! HERE IS THE MEANING OF A 401K! YOU UNDERSTAND IT!” Instead, I was in the middle of a panic attack (so definitely not nirvana). But here’s to a new decade full of lots of memories, adventures, and random, funny, weird, sweet, awkward moments!!

Thank you for coming on this adventure with me (advice is gladly accepted!)

All my love!

Shae, a now 20 year old (ahhh!)